#one of my favourite lyrics of all time

[jamiemaybeme]

i've realised why i'm so scared of losing my friends: an essay of sorts

(this is long btw. there's a tl;dr at the bottom if you really care lmao. also people's names have been changed to their initials, and they're in pink so you don't read them as actual words accidentally)

i think at the end of year six, sh and il moving away left a sort of gap. and i think i tried to ignore it. i kept in contact with them. i texted sh for a year. her forgetting who i was felt like the biggest betrayal ever tbh. i know she just moved on, but i develop such deep platonic connections to people. at the time, i didn't realise this. i mean, i was 12/13 years old, struggling with lockdown and my mental health, i didn't have time to figure out WHY it hurt. i just knew it did.

as the world came out of covid, i started to form relationships like this again. with js and dr, mostly.

come year nine, and i'm in a class with lf. we start to hang out more. shit happens. we don't hang out anymore. but we're still friends. my friendship with dr was brief. i liked her, but i think her ability to shit talk people just immediately threw me off. more shit happens. i don't hang out with dr anymore. lf eventually starts to hang out with us again.

year ten, and i'm in the same class as just lf. and we spend so much time together. i also am in the same dt class as aj, who starts to hang out with us as a group around january i believe?

fast forward to now (end of year eleven). it's coming up to five years since year six ended. it's been about three years since sh stopped texting me back. it's been around two and a half years since i last saw il. it's been two? maybe?? years since things started to return to 'normality'. i've accepted the loss of my primary school friends. it took nearly half a decade. but i did it.

but i don't want to do that again. i don't want to go through the pain of not seeing these people i care about and love so deeply everyday. i struggle to make new friends. i didn't used to. but ever since covid i've changed. that sounds so dramatic and kinda corny, but it's true. i don't want to lose contact with lf. i don't want to never infodump to aj again. i don't want to stop speaking to js. i've found my people, the ones i'm comfortable with. the ones who are my home. it's taken so long, and i CANNOT lose that. i don't know what to do.

i'm bad at staying in contact with people. i forget to text them back. i get scared they don't want to talk to me. i never have any time. i'm always busy. i over commit. to people. to hobbies. i'm very much an all or nothing person. and that's why losing friends hurts. but i don't WANT the moral of this to be "oh i'll get over it in time." i want the moral to be "i will make the biggest effort possible to keep in touch with these three people."

i see bears in trees and i know callum and iain met in primary school. i know callum, iain and nick have been friends since secondary school. and i want that so badly. i want to go to the same uni as my friends. i want to buy a house we can all live in together. i want SO MUCH and i can't have it all. i'm jealous of what they have. i'm jealous they managed to stay together. i don't cope well alone. and i have such a deep love for and bond with my friends that if that breaks i don't know where i'll be. i don't know what i'll do. i don't know who i am without them, to be completely honest. maybe that's a bad thing, but i don't really care. they are everything to me. just like sh was. just like il was. like dr could have been. like [my sister] is, but also not quite like that.

it's why i've asked if we can make music together. i want something that keep us connected. because if and probably when i leave [my school], what do we have? what do we have? we have nothing. nothing except a bond that i hope will hold strong against the test of time. i so badly hope it does. i don't want we don't speak anymore to be relatable. i want it to stay nothing but a fear. i need my friends.

tl;dr: i'm a little bit emotional and i'm scared of losing people i've dedicated my life to

(i exceeded (well reached) the tag limit lmao)

[starflungwaddledee]

a light shines through a cloud of colour fumes and i can feel the warmth of the sun

Gravity, let me go ♫⋆｡♪ destroyer - of monsters and men

⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☀︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚★⋆｡˚ ┊ ┊ ⋆ ┊ ★⋆ ┊ ◦ kirbytober 2024 #01 ★⋆ dream // revenge // song

[crabsnpersimmons]

After seeing how flirty the chef is I’m reminded of a certain Katy Perry song..

👀

well

i guess it's a good time to share my Eclipse playlist (head's up for some Explicit songs)

and spoiler: it's all flirty 🥰

bonus: i finally decided on Eclipse's voice claim: Ashe

[abharties]

First self portrait since I got the big chop

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

ALEX TURNER, RIO DE JANEIRO, BR. by Zackery Michael

[seeminglyseph]

I think it matters a lot that a) everyone who has seeming offered to help Karna has done so *after* she needed it. And b) was in some way using her and therefore needed her.

In the eyes of a child, if you weren’t there when she needed you, and can’t even help yourself, what good are you to her?

[moonchild-in-blue]

Chokehold - Espera and iii

LOOK AT THEM 🥹

[mare-sanguis]

[barnabybugspeopleonline]

part of me will remember, part of me won't know. part of a hidden agenda, left hand knows what the right one don't.

[wynnielovescranesntheirpartners]

' ' I once loved a man who kissed me once before he left. Tied me up in knots and said he'd soon return again. But now love is gone and I am left unraveling. ' '

Emilee Petersmark, Unravelling, 2015

Crane Wives Lyrics, Day 28

[cannibal-nightmares]

"I wish I could live like there was nothing to hide Will you stay or will you turn away from me like them When you start to understand how cynical I am?"

[ x ]

[newvision]

when he says I love you but George Harrison said Something in the way she moves attracts me like no other lover something in the way she woos me I don't want to leave her now you know I believe and how somewhere in her smile she knows that I don't need no other lover something in her style that shows me I don't want to leave her now you know I believe and how you're asking me will my love grow I don't know, I don't know you stick around and it may show I don't know, I don't know something in the way she knows and all I have to do is think of her something in the things she shows me I don't want to leave her now you know I believe and how

[javelinbk]

The thing about the Beatles is that even the songs they rejected are some of my favourite songs of all time

[felixcatton]

I loved you from the start And not all the prayers in the world Could save us

Storms / Fleetwood Mac

[aoharushiyo]

home / deco*27 x 40mP [eng translation]

TITLE: HOME VOCAL: 初音ミク (Hatsune Miku) COMPOSITION: DECO*27, 40mP LYRICS: DECO*27, 40mP ARRANGE: DECO*27, 40mP OFFICIAL MV: (from youtube)

ENG:

My past tightly corked up the dreams I wished to fulfill, and, without realising my mistakes — "Oops!" — I only hurt myself again. Between my strong self and my weak one, it's weird, it's always the weak me that wins.

"Nobody can know about this," you tell yourself as you hide and cry alone. And yet, you put on a smiling face for everyone else.

Please tell me about the "you up until today" that's been troubling you all this time. If things get tough, I want you to run away, and show me those tears once again. Why is it that the sight of your forced smile always makes me want to cry? In my blurry, wavering vision, all I could hear was a "thank you".

I tried to assign ticks and crosses to those days without answers, but as my dissatisfaction piles up with each cross, I don't know what to do. The more I want to go back, the more distant it seems; it's hopeless, I don't even have the energy for the weakest of sighs.

"Somebody, please save me," cried an SOS that only I could hear. Slowly, bit by bit, our heartbeats began to overlap.

Back then, I couldn't figure out 40 + 27, and now, I can't figure out how to smile. Still, I pound away on the calculator, feeling sick of worrying up a sweat. How long do I keep marking my height on the wall? Hey, hey, I'm all grown up now...

Please tell me about the "you up until today" that's been troubling you all this time. If things get tough, I want you to run away, and show me those tears once again.

Both the tormented "you up until today", and the troubled "you from today onwards"… I can't bring myself to hate either of you, because they're both "you". "Welcome home," I say with an awkward smile to you and your tears that won't stop, because yesterday, and tomorrow, too, there is a place for you to say "I'm home".

JPN:

叶えたい夢に　過去がキュッと栓をする 間違いに気付けなくて「しまった！」　損をする 強い自分と弱い自分の対決は なぜか弱いほうがいつも勝つ　おかしいね

「誰も知らないんだ」って言って 隠れて泣いてたって　みんなの前じゃ君は笑う人

君をずっと苦しめている　"今日までの君"教えてよ ツライなら逃げてほしい　また涙を見せて 無理して笑った君を見��　泣きたくなるのはなぜだろう 滲んでく視界の中　聞こえたのは「ありがとう」

答えのない日々に　○、×をつけてみる ×のほうが多くて嫌になって　どうしたら 戻りたい　強く願うほどに戻れない もうダメみたい　弱いタメイキだって零れない

「誰か助けてよ」 僕にだけ聞こえるSOS 踏み込んだ分だけ近くなる　鼓動が重なっていく

40+27で悩んでいた頃 今は笑い方で悩んでる　電卓を叩きながら 汗をかくのが嫌いになった　柱の傷は何歳まで？ ねえねえ大人になってしまったよ

君をずっと苦しめている　"今日までの君"教えてよ ツライなら逃げてほしい　また涙を見せて

君をずっと苦しめていく　今日までとこれからの君 どちらも君なんだから　嫌いになんかなれないよ 困って笑った僕を見て泣きじゃくった君に「おかえり」 ただいまを言える場所は　昨日にも明日にもあるから